Nonproliferation News: Holiday Edition

11. Santa’s sleigh provides key test of missile defense radar capabilities- While General Cartwright and Lt Gen O’Reilly have testified this year that they have over 90 percent confidence in the ability of the ground-based interceptors located in Alaska and California to shoot down an incoming ICBM, others have decried purported test success due to unrealistic test conditions. This upcoming Christmas, conditions could not possibly be more real with Santa’s sleigh visiting millions of homes domestically within a night. The Missile Defense Agency issued a press statement confirming the importance of this Christmas to test the radar and tracking capabilities of our system.

10. Obama administration recants zero pledge after accounting error—The White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs issued a statement that revised Obama’s pledge at Prague to rid the world of nuclear weapons. Gibbs explained, “There was an accounting error. We believed the U.S. had 2,200 nuclear weapons, but later discovered that only accounted for those that are operationally deployed.” Because of the accounting error, the Administration underestimated the cost of dismantling the weapons. In this economy, the cost of disarmament is too high.

9. "CTR 2.0" top new Facebook game—In response to the ever popular “Farmville” game played by 11 million avid Facebook users, the Defense Threat Reduction Agency’s response, CTR 2.0, has quickly climbed the Facebook games chart and now stands at number 3.  Facebook user Tim Smith noted this game is the “best invention ever” and declined going out this weekend so that he could engage in faux bilateral scientific exchanges with the Pakistanis over water purification technology. Intrade predicts that CTR 2.0 taking over Farmville by mid-March 2010.

8. Iran agree to ship fuel in exchange for iPhone shipment—After months of backtracking on an agreement to swap reactor fuel with a third party, Iran has proposed a counter offer likely to be accepted by the United States: fuel will be shipped to a third party in exchange for a large shipment of Apple iPhones to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Supreme Leader Khamenei has noted an increasingly keen interest on the iPhone and associated applications over the past few months and felt it important to lock in a large shipment now given the instability of the iPod market with Christmas celebrators around the world making a run on the remaining product supply.

7.  New START signed via Twitter—In an effort to highlight the increasing importance of social networking media in world politics, Presidents Barack Obama and Dmitry Medvedev have agreed to sign the START follow-on via twitter. After Assistant Secretary of State for Verification, Compliance, and Implementation Rose Gottemoeller noted on her account “asstsecroseg” that “we finally have a treaty in place” President Dmitry Medvedev “retweeted” her message by saying “Russia signs! RT @asstsecroseg we finally have a treaty in place,” while President Barack Obama followed up on his account by exclaiming “Thanks D! The United States too! RT@dmedvedev Russia signs! RT @asstsecroseg we finally have a treaty in place.”

6.  Jolt Cola proves to be missing ingredient in “Fogbank” debacle—NNSA finally declared victory in their attempt to resuscitate the mysterious and toxic substance “Fogbank” as part of their W-76 modernization efforts. NNSA Administrator Tom D’Agostino confirmed in a press statement Monday that scientists were finally able to create the mysterious Fogbank once a tablespoon of Jolt Cola was added to the mixture.

5. Google Earth confirms Kim Jong Il obsession with Nintendo Wii—New intelligence gleaned  thorough Google Earth discovered a possible new point of leverage in the West’s continued quest to denuclearize North Korea: Nintendo Wii. Google Earth photos taken of the Dear Leader’s house found that he spends a substantial amount of time playing the Nintendo Wii, particularly Wii Fit and Mario Kart. In a private correspondence, former President Bill Clinton confirmed that he did participate in a game of Mario Kart with the Dear Leader and finished second, playing with his favorite character, Peach. The U.S. negotiating team is currently determining how this revelation might be used in future negotiations.

4. Obama gets paper cut putting hands on the NPR process—In response to criticism that the NPR was drifting away from the heart of the Prague speech, President Obama attempted to take a truly hands-on approach to the process. Unfortunately, the result was a nasty paper cut that leaves him day-to-day and "doubtful" for the White House basketball game next week. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed the injury was not too serious, but emphasized that Obama will continue to remain hands-on, albeit with more attention to avoiding paper cuts.

3.  CTBT IMS picks up FedEx field boos --- As Senate Democrats gear up for what appears to be a vicious battle over the verification competency of the CTBT International Monitoring System (IMS) in 2010, they may have picked up another key piece of evidence in the debate.  Late in the third quarter on Monday’s Washington Redskins game against the New York Giants, boos from FedEx field in Landover, MD were picked up on two-thirds of the stations worldwide when Eli Manning connected yet again with wide receiver Steve Smith in a crushing 45-12 win. Whether the event speaks more to the strength of the boos despite the winter weather conditions in Washington or impressive advances in the system will likely prove to be a contentious issue in Senate hearings on the issue.

2. Chuck Norris hired to maintain safety of Pakistani nuclear arsenal—Despite assurances that all is well with regards to the safety, security, and reliability of the Pakistani nuclear arsenal, the United States has taken an additional precautionary measure and hired Chuck Norris to ensure that Pakistan’s nuclear weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. The decision to send Norris was the result of a heated internal debate between Secretary of Defense Roberts Gates and Vice President Joe Biden. Although Gates applauded the decision to send Norris, he had originally tapped 24’s Jack Bauer as his top choice for the position.

1. Japan seeks Jonas Brothers for assurance—Amidst concerns in Tokyo about the 2009 provocations by North Korea, the government has come to a new conclusion for extended deterrence requirements in 2010: a Jonas Brothers concert on the island. Officials close to the process noted that extended deterrence lies in the eye of the beholder and word has it the Department of Defense has begun initial consultations with the brothers in hopes of cajoling a few 2010 stops in Tokyo. Japanese officials noted the pre-eminence of the American teenage heartthrobs as evidence of the power a visit would send in deterring attacks from East Asian adversaries.

Happy Holidays!
The PONI team

The following “news brief” was put together by the Project on Nuclear Issues (PONI) staff. It does not represent the views of the Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) or PONI. None of these events are real and any correlation is purely coincidental.